Hope

Of late I have been going through the articles / books / stories which talk about Hope.Watching spiritual soaps crowded all the TV channels.Also have been talking to spiritually motivated people. They say what ever happens, happens for good and no question left unanswered at the end of the day. But this 'end of the day' doesnt mean 24 hours.It may be a life time.

People say we suffer not only because of what we do in this life but may be beause of our deeds in our past lives. But how am I supposed to know what I had done in my past life? and how my deeds and equal to what I am getting in this life?

People say, every problem has a solution and those cant be solved should be left thinking that a better and bigger solotion is awaiting. I can not buy this. For an example, I need, I desire for something very badly,desperately and I feel helpless when I see that in spite of my praying and putting effort I am unable to achieve what I want - I am asked that I deserve ( may) a better thing. In short if I do not get what I want, I deserve something better or worse but not what I want!!! Strange. Its been years that I have been praying for basic requirement of my life. I am thankful that I have all the basic things in life - a proper shelter, food, clothes, few good friends,wonderful and very supportive family and a job. but there are things beyond - from past few years ( more than a year and half now) things are really going wrong, I can see me putting effort, being hard working and honest but the result I am getting which is upsetting me.

I see so many ads and so many things (read Ads direct or indirect) to improve your career,relationship,health,wealth - so on and so forth. But does anything can change what Brahma ji has planned for us?I doubt. If so would have been possible no pain, no illness,no heart break could have happened.

I have been t0 so many astrologers in the hope of improving my life and everything. but over a period of time I have realized them to be fake. Nothing has changed in my life. Only my attitude towards life is different now. I try to be with every little things that I have and I had. I no more compare - comparing hurts. I used to ask to myself and God when I know I deserve why cant I achieve?? but i didnt get any answer. Most of my questions left unanswered. I spent many sleepless,painful nights finding the answers feeling absolute helpless.

What the spiritual / motivational theme is teaching us is to be strong. They have their own way to teach us never to give up. Somewhere recently I have read , if someone is punished and in pain,it indicates that the person is done with all the bad things in life and a new,bright,happy life awaiting ahead. I believe, nothing and no one can change anything - its only the attitude not to give up and live life as it comes to us.more over we have to admit the truth that everyone is not blessed with "Good Fortune" and everyone's honesty,hard work dont lead to a fairy tale ending. I loved the movie Corporate. It is so true, so real, so positive.Hope is being sold like a hot cake - its a dream. Hope to stay young,hope to look beautiful,hope to be famous,hope to have peace,hope to be loved,hope to have a super job etc.

These days my mantra of living is never to give up - I have lost many things in life. Dont know if I ever get them back but all these experience have made me stronger, more practical.

Hope and attitude is what I have gained from all the pain,accidents,loss in life.

“Baadlegi ritu e aada par main rahungi saada usi tarha teri bahon me bahon dalke har lamha har pal….”

My last trip to Nainital, one of the most beautiful places I have been to. More over this place has some special significance to my life – it’s the place of my love – my lost love. A place that most of the nights I dream of and even during day time I end up dreaming. Though things have changed over time – this time everything was different. I didn’t feel being in Nainital. This time even being in the same place – few meters away, he preferred to stay miles away. The same place, the same mall road, the same boats but in his absence everything was just so different. Its been a year that I saw him last. I still can remember those days. It was so beautiful. The bus used to reach (it still does) in the morning by 6:30 – 7. I used to visit there alone. The morning sun, the chill breeze and the harmonious sound of the lake wave altogether used to bring me into heaven. Walking slowly beside the quiet lake over the mall road always used to make me feel as if there is no pain, no tears in this earth. Then my eternal waiting to see him came into existence. Though we met for few minutes but it did worth those hours waiting eagerly. Be it the morning, day or night – the place is always equally gracious, elegant and gorgeous. The clouds floating in a little distance, the clear blue sky and sometime the heavy fog at afternoon looked so stunning and I used to wonder the eternal beauty of God’s creation. The best thing I enjoyed is the biking with him – zig zag roads and full speed. Yes I used to be scared but we were together to fade the scare away. The last time I saw him when I went there for the last time, I still remember he promised for boating and he didn’t get the time to spend with me and for boating. I was angry and crying out loud for boating. He promised in my next visit he will fulfill my wish for boating. And I was too upset to say bye… and then I didn’t get a next chance to say him bye or ride on a boat with him ever. He moved on. I stood still at the same place though. After a year now I decided to visit the place again and for the last time so I went but as I thought I didn’t find my love and the magic moments again. Time took everything away – along with my love. I am only left with those memories. Could not even experience one glimpse of him. But I went for boating without him and finally had done the local site seeing. I went to Himalaya view, waterfall, Delhi Road, suicide point (popularly known as Lover’s point) Khurpatal etc. Its beautiful indeed. But I never thought to go these places alone. I knew I wont ever come to this place ever – I slowly left and walked on the mall road for the last time towards Tallital bus stop. My bus was waiting – I got into the bus. Still was trying to find him out - thought him to be near by and watching me quietly but I was again wrong, My camera captured the last moment of the place. This time I promised myself to click as many pics as possible – and I finally ended up clicking 148 pics. I wish I could have captured some more moments and memories. The bus left Nainital at 8:30pm – I bid Good Bye to the place of my Love. Yes I was feeling suffocated, nostalgic – but then I opened the window – the chill breeze of the hills again came and touched me as it used to do a year ago. I saw the city from a distance at the dark – it was beautiful, the lights of the city made it look mysterious from distance. It looked like heaven. Not necessarily every love has to have a happy ending, lets keep mine incomplete. Every incomplete story has a better opportunity for imagination and hope.

Blankness for the time being

Very unusual time for me for blogging but somehow i am not feeling to do anything else at this moment.Blogging is a better idea at this moment.

Sometimes this kind of feelings overshadow so much..we dont feel doing anything, we avoid talking to others, we avoid been visible and heard. I too am feeling the same.

Why do we feel blank?because we escape from some thought that hurt us and makes us scared?

I have heard in life it happnes what we think and what we believe.....Does any one ever think and desire for any mishaps and accidents in life?? then why such things happen? Why can not we do what we want to do?

Right now i really am feeling to go to a spa, have good massage and sleep... I am just too tired to think anything...how does one feel when the person feels stagnant in every aspect of life?And how to break that monotony of being stagnant?

Blank Canvas

An ordinary day and an ordinary night of an ordinary girl. Still I wonder with the rainbow of emotion i have. Each moment I witness each new colour of my emotion - sometimes its passion, sometimes its love, sometimes its hatred, sometimes its trust and sometimes its just the reverse. Anyways, I usually dont like winter but trust me it has some magic specially when I see the full moon from the terrace - I feel like being in a wonderland. Why such things happen in life when we crave for something so badly & we cant even afford to see it...We just end up feeling its very existence .... intangible though.If someone digs in, some dreams can be found green and alive from the debris. Often i end up imagining what I strongly crave for - may be just to be with someone,sitting somewhere beside the lake at some winter night...so much I desire to hear a voice,so much I ache for just a glimpse. We often argue on hope. I believe I have endless hope - Its been more than a year but I still am longing to restore those magic moments forever...Why we dream?and then chase them...and suddenly we realize that the dreams dont even exist. They hurt. Everywhere I try to look I find the scatter pieces of those dreams too sharp to excuse..It for sure leave some wound which seems impossible to be healed. I keep on expecting that my HOPE will spell some magic...and the most cherished moments will come back... I know a day will come when even the hope die...along with all my emotions...what if someone's silly emotion dies? What if a person goes away - far far away from the colours of life?Life becomes a compulsion to live and not an aspiration. The heart gradually stops responding...even the mind becomes careless. If the heart tries scratching on the empty canvas of life - it remains blank... My heart really wants to hope, and wish the Hope to spell the magic...Will my prayer ever be heard? Will I be able to touch my dreams...will I ever be able to hear the voice of my passion?

A quiet night and the full moon

Delhi is chilling ... after work while returning home I noticed the roads of Delhi is bathing in the darkness....I believe power cut is what its being called. Rare though.Traffic signals were not working so can imagine the situation.But it is full moon...as if the earth is bathing with each drop of the moon...so beautiful,so bright,so quiet the night is.

After shifting to a metro city I didnt face much of power cut but i do remember my childhood- exams days,power cuts...and trust me we all used to wait for the power cut so that we could close the pages and went out with friends from neighbor. So all kids used to come out and gather at the play ground....fun it was!!!

Today I couldn't believe my eyes..it was so beautiful - cold breeze,full moon - I believe heaven is no more beautiful than this.The blessings from moon filled my room with imagination - straight from the sky through my window.Just a candle - it was so quiet - I felt to be in the wonderland, such night is always desired by me in my dreams. I find peace in such situation.I feel as if angels are flying, dancing and singing all around...i forget all the pain and unfulfilled wishes......

I so much felt to go back to the days of my childhood....wanted to be with my childhood pals and my parents - the small town,trees,play ground - the innocence.

I miss my fantasy world ....I miss my own territory of imagination - of love - of dream - of hope...

DESIRE

A single night,
To unlock my desire..
Tomorrow will be too late
To set off the fire.
My ears are eager to listen
For so long
I too will tell you
And sing all love song
I should let you know
How I waited in the rain,
With eternal passion for you ..
And with eternal pain.
Let me open my eyes
To spark the desire.
And let me stretch my arms out
To hold the fire.
I keep my love and keep my passion
Within my heart,till the core,
You can make it out..
That's about I am sure.
May this night will
Never reach the end..
And let me live my life..
With you ; within this moment..

Pages from my diary 2000

Ashapakhi..


Dirghodin por,
Ononto niler 'por
ek rash sopno niye ankhi
khunje choleche Ashapakhi.
Kono ek din hoyto ankhi
heemshitol shroter majhe
peye chilo Ashapakhi.
Kotok ushno kotok neel sopno
diyechilo Ashapakhi
heem shitol shroter majhe;
ek rash kalo sopner majhe
klanto ek ankhi ke.
Onontokal periye porishranto ankhi
khujechilo tar shusko polok
chole gechilo ankhi...
par kore noirassho lok.
aaj abar dirgho din por
Ononto neel er 'por
ek rash sopno niye ankhi
khunje choleche Ashapakhi.
Kintu koi...
koi se Ashapakhi?
Oi to Ashapakhi,
sunnyo dristhi mele cheye ache,
kalo akash pane
pran heen deho niye stobdho Ashapakhi
noirasshor otol gohon e......

Nishobdo Dupur -
theme geche somoy
nirjone abiram chestharoto ami.
Jora lagacchi pataguli
-Majhe Majhe domka batash
Uriye nicche
Kichutei parchi na-
Ogochalo jiboner dingulo
- thik pata gulir motoi
ure jacche - jeno ;
Osonlogno proti muhurto
Janakar fank diye ure jacche.
Hothat ekta pata theme gelo,
Koi urche na keno?
Theme jawa somoy
Theme jawa pata -
sobetei tomar uposthiti
- Tai to tara stobdho
tara sthobir...

Time Machine

Im at home right now...its so good to be at home. I feel different, i feel special and i feel relaxed being at home,i know my own people are around me so i feel comfortable and cosy. Its so good when I am called to have food...as I stay alone so no one cares if I have food or not but at home its not so...Its good to go out in the evening and have those spicy,tangy golgappas with my younger brother - freaking out and laughing without any reason...I cherish all these things, I love teasing my brother and trust me he doesnt mind. I was going through some old album yesterday...it seems that those days belong to my past life..so blur they are. But I still feel the happiness, the joy, the innocence of those days...why time move away and take away the happiness?? Now i realize...its not even a decade or even 10 years but many things have changes so drastically - people change, their emotion, their behaviour everything change over time... But somehow i feel i am standing almost at the same place where i was a decade ago.... I feel I am growing old...and old people are moving out...new people are coming in. But is building that strong and same bond with new people is not that easy...I still feel to go back to those beautiful moments.... Do i need a time machine??

New Year

Finally another series of months in a new way...the same 12 months with some new resolutions...

But this year has started with a strange note...when everything is so uncertain.nothing to feel happy about.Be it family,be it my own stability or anything - i find everything in dark hole.dont know where the hole leads me to.So much of pain,doubt,confusion - dont know what to do.

Have realized one thing,there may be lots of philosophical articles to inspire but the reality is far away.Yes of we are the one shaping our lives but none can do anything without the permission of destiny.Since childhood i have been reading and hearing that good things happen with good people - all those happy ending stories but in my life i have seen and experienced just the opposite. Yesterday i have completed one book called "Fish" - no i am not at all inspired by it. I now feel all the books are meant to be the inspiration but they are away from the real life. In real life things wont fall so smoothly on our path even if we are right,doing good things and being good at heart. Hope..its a big thing - all spiritual Gurus teach us to be hopeful and see the things in a very positive way even of when everything is going wrong. But i feel why to do so?yes its good to be positive and happy but what about those who are deprived? They are taught to console themselves and wait for happiness ,a never ending wait.

I am now tired of being hopeful.I kind of become indifferent towards life. Never got any reward for being honest,good and hard working..so why being so??

I am not saying that I wont be honest but..may be I dont give a damn kind of attitude will born inside me...and many people who think alike.

So the moral of the story is..we are nothing without our destiny - being honest,truthful,hardworking wont pay unless and untill the Kismat is Meherban.

And yah I have stopped taking any new year resolution. When life is so uncertain - everything else is uncertain...whats the use of any resolution??