Sunday Shopping...

Its a long weekend.Dont like long weekend anymore.At the same time dont like going to office either.Dont know what exactly I want but for sure I want some open sky,some space to breath freely and lots of colours. Life has been so monotonous. Now over weekend I prefer spending my time on bed,chatting,watching TV or simply reading books.Of Late I am reading Almost Single.Few pages that I have successfully read in 2 weeks. Suddenly all excitement died somewhere. I was completely bored so today I planned to get out of my bed and my room and head towards Sarojini Nagar Market.Once upon a time it used to be my favorite place to hang out.While in college we used to get off on every Thursday and the bus used to drop us at SN Market and we all friends - the batch mates used to find the same place new and equally exciting every Thursday. I used to end up doing shopping like hell. Used to buy whatever I liked. Obviously I still consider SN to have a good range of hippie casual clothes..at the cheapest price.I used to love the colour of the place - colourful clothes,accessories, aggressive selling etc.

So today,after spending yesterday whole day and today till 7pm I decided to visit SN in a hope to feel a little better. I reached SN market.I was there an hour and half. I tried visiting each and every shop but strange I didnt like anything. I didnt find anything exciting.

Its not too many days ago.just 2 years back when I used to find everything so interesting. I was a complete impulse buyer. Now..I ended up buying 5 pink bangles for Rs. 50 and came back. And yah I had one Fanta also. Nothing else I found to buy. Strange.

2005 till 2007 I used to go mad and ended up spending more than 4 hours at the same place,same market. Why this sudden change?These days I cant buy or making buying decision so easily like earlier, I dont remember when was the last time I bought sometime really colourful and wacky. These days I end up buying either a black trouser or some pale formal shirt. Some boring stuff.

Life has changed so much.Those bright colours are fading away, those silly laughter and those excitement have gone somewhere. Earlier I used to wait so eagerly for holiday and planned so many things but now I feel too lazy and demotivated to even go out.

Does the same thing happen with everyone when we go ahead with life?

This is how I spend my valuable Sunday - By doing nothing , by missing my good old days.

Work,Office,freedom etc

From past few weeks I have been seriously thinking about job - my job and overall. Its been 2 years now that I have been working. Lots of questions.thoughts pop up and vanish like bubbles. A mixed feeling of good,bad,sad,irritated,frustrated,proud travel within me.

I still am unable to understand if my expectation are high are I am just ignorant. Everyone who is working spends almost 70% of his / her day at work place,struggling,taking and giving tantrum,digesting boss's or colleague's some harsh words...its so difficult. In the morning you reach office and you dont even settle down and you be prepared to hear someone shouting on you!!How irritating is that. And more over it happens sometime that you work so hard,you work from the core of your hard - you work just not because you have to work but because you love what you do.Yet sometimes it happens you get zero appreciation. And sometime you feel that you are just being used may be because in some area you are little better than someone else.Its all about being utilized without appreciation,its so mechanical.

Somehow we are so used to with the current scenario - we dont raise our voice even if we feel bad,even if we feel that somethin is going wrong. We are actually happy with whatever - we are not quite confident enough of our capabilities. We act like a machine - we act like animal sometime. Even if we feel bad we put the smile and pretend to be so happy and satisfied....how ridiculous! Why cant we be what we want to be?what stops us?

Being highly educated,professionally qualified we still feel we are incompetent...we are made to feel so.We made to feel as low as possible. I strongly disagree with this concept of YES BOSS. I believe everyone has the right to be happy,to say against what he / she feels to be not right, to protect someone else who is being exploited someone. We even after being educated are paid very low, and at the end of the month we still have to think even spending few rupees extra on an ice cream or a pair of shoes or may be a perfume or lipstick. I believe in being a free soul - i want to feel like a princess, i love pampering myself. Also is it necessary to agree with what we dont think is not right or may be do something in the sake of doing! We spend most of our time in our work places so is not it important for the management to do something really creative and motivating rather than keeping the environment dull and unnecessarily heavy?I feel happy people make a happy atmosphere which of course add in a good productivity then why most of the companies believe in being dull?

Why cant we get creative as most of the ad agencies....why cant we have some space to use our mind?Seems gradually the corporate culture is refraining us from actually think beyond, we are somehow are taught to think what we are supposed to think. We can not laugh, we can not wear bright colours, we can not listen to music, we cant we play some game and take a short break? I understand we need to abide by the decorum, still cant we just be a little wacky and not so stereotype.

We actually need some good leaders who actually can motivate people. Imagine, such leaders may bring an age when people will happily go to office and work happily - people will look forward for Monday and Monday mornings wont be BLUE - it will be pink.We will work not because we have to earn our livelihood but because we will really enjoy contributing.

Dont know when such day will come. When top management will be able to actually handle people. When employees will stop feeling bad about the work place and can breath freely. When they will speak up.

WE really need to break though and speak out. We are not slaves any more. We all are independent, educated and have the right to seek our rights.

Hope

Of late I have been going through the articles / books / stories which talk about Hope.Watching spiritual soaps crowded all the TV channels.Also have been talking to spiritually motivated people. They say what ever happens, happens for good and no question left unanswered at the end of the day. But this 'end of the day' doesnt mean 24 hours.It may be a life time.

People say we suffer not only because of what we do in this life but may be beause of our deeds in our past lives. But how am I supposed to know what I had done in my past life? and how my deeds and equal to what I am getting in this life?

People say, every problem has a solution and those cant be solved should be left thinking that a better and bigger solotion is awaiting. I can not buy this. For an example, I need, I desire for something very badly,desperately and I feel helpless when I see that in spite of my praying and putting effort I am unable to achieve what I want - I am asked that I deserve ( may) a better thing. In short if I do not get what I want, I deserve something better or worse but not what I want!!! Strange. Its been years that I have been praying for basic requirement of my life. I am thankful that I have all the basic things in life - a proper shelter, food, clothes, few good friends,wonderful and very supportive family and a job. but there are things beyond - from past few years ( more than a year and half now) things are really going wrong, I can see me putting effort, being hard working and honest but the result I am getting which is upsetting me.

I see so many ads and so many things (read Ads direct or indirect) to improve your career,relationship,health,wealth - so on and so forth. But does anything can change what Brahma ji has planned for us?I doubt. If so would have been possible no pain, no illness,no heart break could have happened.

I have been t0 so many astrologers in the hope of improving my life and everything. but over a period of time I have realized them to be fake. Nothing has changed in my life. Only my attitude towards life is different now. I try to be with every little things that I have and I had. I no more compare - comparing hurts. I used to ask to myself and God when I know I deserve why cant I achieve?? but i didnt get any answer. Most of my questions left unanswered. I spent many sleepless,painful nights finding the answers feeling absolute helpless.

What the spiritual / motivational theme is teaching us is to be strong. They have their own way to teach us never to give up. Somewhere recently I have read , if someone is punished and in pain,it indicates that the person is done with all the bad things in life and a new,bright,happy life awaiting ahead. I believe, nothing and no one can change anything - its only the attitude not to give up and live life as it comes to us.more over we have to admit the truth that everyone is not blessed with "Good Fortune" and everyone's honesty,hard work dont lead to a fairy tale ending. I loved the movie Corporate. It is so true, so real, so positive.Hope is being sold like a hot cake - its a dream. Hope to stay young,hope to look beautiful,hope to be famous,hope to have peace,hope to be loved,hope to have a super job etc.

These days my mantra of living is never to give up - I have lost many things in life. Dont know if I ever get them back but all these experience have made me stronger, more practical.

Hope and attitude is what I have gained from all the pain,accidents,loss in life.

“Baadlegi ritu e aada par main rahungi saada usi tarha teri bahon me bahon dalke har lamha har pal….”

My last trip to Nainital, one of the most beautiful places I have been to. More over this place has some special significance to my life – it’s the place of my love – my lost love. A place that most of the nights I dream of and even during day time I end up dreaming. Though things have changed over time – this time everything was different. I didn’t feel being in Nainital. This time even being in the same place – few meters away, he preferred to stay miles away. The same place, the same mall road, the same boats but in his absence everything was just so different. Its been a year that I saw him last. I still can remember those days. It was so beautiful. The bus used to reach (it still does) in the morning by 6:30 – 7. I used to visit there alone. The morning sun, the chill breeze and the harmonious sound of the lake wave altogether used to bring me into heaven. Walking slowly beside the quiet lake over the mall road always used to make me feel as if there is no pain, no tears in this earth. Then my eternal waiting to see him came into existence. Though we met for few minutes but it did worth those hours waiting eagerly. Be it the morning, day or night – the place is always equally gracious, elegant and gorgeous. The clouds floating in a little distance, the clear blue sky and sometime the heavy fog at afternoon looked so stunning and I used to wonder the eternal beauty of God’s creation. The best thing I enjoyed is the biking with him – zig zag roads and full speed. Yes I used to be scared but we were together to fade the scare away. The last time I saw him when I went there for the last time, I still remember he promised for boating and he didn’t get the time to spend with me and for boating. I was angry and crying out loud for boating. He promised in my next visit he will fulfill my wish for boating. And I was too upset to say bye… and then I didn’t get a next chance to say him bye or ride on a boat with him ever. He moved on. I stood still at the same place though. After a year now I decided to visit the place again and for the last time so I went but as I thought I didn’t find my love and the magic moments again. Time took everything away – along with my love. I am only left with those memories. Could not even experience one glimpse of him. But I went for boating without him and finally had done the local site seeing. I went to Himalaya view, waterfall, Delhi Road, suicide point (popularly known as Lover’s point) Khurpatal etc. Its beautiful indeed. But I never thought to go these places alone. I knew I wont ever come to this place ever – I slowly left and walked on the mall road for the last time towards Tallital bus stop. My bus was waiting – I got into the bus. Still was trying to find him out - thought him to be near by and watching me quietly but I was again wrong, My camera captured the last moment of the place. This time I promised myself to click as many pics as possible – and I finally ended up clicking 148 pics. I wish I could have captured some more moments and memories. The bus left Nainital at 8:30pm – I bid Good Bye to the place of my Love. Yes I was feeling suffocated, nostalgic – but then I opened the window – the chill breeze of the hills again came and touched me as it used to do a year ago. I saw the city from a distance at the dark – it was beautiful, the lights of the city made it look mysterious from distance. It looked like heaven. Not necessarily every love has to have a happy ending, lets keep mine incomplete. Every incomplete story has a better opportunity for imagination and hope.

Blankness for the time being

Very unusual time for me for blogging but somehow i am not feeling to do anything else at this moment.Blogging is a better idea at this moment.

Sometimes this kind of feelings overshadow so much..we dont feel doing anything, we avoid talking to others, we avoid been visible and heard. I too am feeling the same.

Why do we feel blank?because we escape from some thought that hurt us and makes us scared?

I have heard in life it happnes what we think and what we believe.....Does any one ever think and desire for any mishaps and accidents in life?? then why such things happen? Why can not we do what we want to do?

Right now i really am feeling to go to a spa, have good massage and sleep... I am just too tired to think anything...how does one feel when the person feels stagnant in every aspect of life?And how to break that monotony of being stagnant?

Blank Canvas

An ordinary day and an ordinary night of an ordinary girl. Still I wonder with the rainbow of emotion i have. Each moment I witness each new colour of my emotion - sometimes its passion, sometimes its love, sometimes its hatred, sometimes its trust and sometimes its just the reverse. Anyways, I usually dont like winter but trust me it has some magic specially when I see the full moon from the terrace - I feel like being in a wonderland. Why such things happen in life when we crave for something so badly & we cant even afford to see it...We just end up feeling its very existence .... intangible though.If someone digs in, some dreams can be found green and alive from the debris. Often i end up imagining what I strongly crave for - may be just to be with someone,sitting somewhere beside the lake at some winter night...so much I desire to hear a voice,so much I ache for just a glimpse. We often argue on hope. I believe I have endless hope - Its been more than a year but I still am longing to restore those magic moments forever...Why we dream?and then chase them...and suddenly we realize that the dreams dont even exist. They hurt. Everywhere I try to look I find the scatter pieces of those dreams too sharp to excuse..It for sure leave some wound which seems impossible to be healed. I keep on expecting that my HOPE will spell some magic...and the most cherished moments will come back... I know a day will come when even the hope die...along with all my emotions...what if someone's silly emotion dies? What if a person goes away - far far away from the colours of life?Life becomes a compulsion to live and not an aspiration. The heart gradually stops responding...even the mind becomes careless. If the heart tries scratching on the empty canvas of life - it remains blank... My heart really wants to hope, and wish the Hope to spell the magic...Will my prayer ever be heard? Will I be able to touch my dreams...will I ever be able to hear the voice of my passion?

A quiet night and the full moon

Delhi is chilling ... after work while returning home I noticed the roads of Delhi is bathing in the darkness....I believe power cut is what its being called. Rare though.Traffic signals were not working so can imagine the situation.But it is full moon...as if the earth is bathing with each drop of the moon...so beautiful,so bright,so quiet the night is.

After shifting to a metro city I didnt face much of power cut but i do remember my childhood- exams days,power cuts...and trust me we all used to wait for the power cut so that we could close the pages and went out with friends from neighbor. So all kids used to come out and gather at the play ground....fun it was!!!

Today I couldn't believe my eyes..it was so beautiful - cold breeze,full moon - I believe heaven is no more beautiful than this.The blessings from moon filled my room with imagination - straight from the sky through my window.Just a candle - it was so quiet - I felt to be in the wonderland, such night is always desired by me in my dreams. I find peace in such situation.I feel as if angels are flying, dancing and singing all around...i forget all the pain and unfulfilled wishes......

I so much felt to go back to the days of my childhood....wanted to be with my childhood pals and my parents - the small town,trees,play ground - the innocence.

I miss my fantasy world ....I miss my own territory of imagination - of love - of dream - of hope...