Blank Canvas

An ordinary day and an ordinary night of an ordinary girl. Still I wonder with the rainbow of emotion i have. Each moment I witness each new colour of my emotion - sometimes its passion, sometimes its love, sometimes its hatred, sometimes its trust and sometimes its just the reverse. Anyways, I usually dont like winter but trust me it has some magic specially when I see the full moon from the terrace - I feel like being in a wonderland. Why such things happen in life when we crave for something so badly & we cant even afford to see it...We just end up feeling its very existence .... intangible though.If someone digs in, some dreams can be found green and alive from the debris. Often i end up imagining what I strongly crave for - may be just to be with someone,sitting somewhere beside the lake at some winter night...so much I desire to hear a voice,so much I ache for just a glimpse. We often argue on hope. I believe I have endless hope - Its been more than a year but I still am longing to restore those magic moments forever...Why we dream?and then chase them...and suddenly we realize that the dreams dont even exist. They hurt. Everywhere I try to look I find the scatter pieces of those dreams too sharp to excuse..It for sure leave some wound which seems impossible to be healed. I keep on expecting that my HOPE will spell some magic...and the most cherished moments will come back... I know a day will come when even the hope die...along with all my emotions...what if someone's silly emotion dies? What if a person goes away - far far away from the colours of life?Life becomes a compulsion to live and not an aspiration. The heart gradually stops responding...even the mind becomes careless. If the heart tries scratching on the empty canvas of life - it remains blank... My heart really wants to hope, and wish the Hope to spell the magic...Will my prayer ever be heard? Will I be able to touch my dreams...will I ever be able to hear the voice of my passion?

A quiet night and the full moon

Delhi is chilling ... after work while returning home I noticed the roads of Delhi is bathing in the darkness....I believe power cut is what its being called. Rare though.Traffic signals were not working so can imagine the situation.But it is full moon...as if the earth is bathing with each drop of the moon...so beautiful,so bright,so quiet the night is.

After shifting to a metro city I didnt face much of power cut but i do remember my childhood- exams days,power cuts...and trust me we all used to wait for the power cut so that we could close the pages and went out with friends from neighbor. So all kids used to come out and gather at the play ground....fun it was!!!

Today I couldn't believe my eyes..it was so beautiful - cold breeze,full moon - I believe heaven is no more beautiful than this.The blessings from moon filled my room with imagination - straight from the sky through my window.Just a candle - it was so quiet - I felt to be in the wonderland, such night is always desired by me in my dreams. I find peace in such situation.I feel as if angels are flying, dancing and singing all around...i forget all the pain and unfulfilled wishes......

I so much felt to go back to the days of my childhood....wanted to be with my childhood pals and my parents - the small town,trees,play ground - the innocence.

I miss my fantasy world ....I miss my own territory of imagination - of love - of dream - of hope...

DESIRE

A single night,
To unlock my desire..
Tomorrow will be too late
To set off the fire.
My ears are eager to listen
For so long
I too will tell you
And sing all love song
I should let you know
How I waited in the rain,
With eternal passion for you ..
And with eternal pain.
Let me open my eyes
To spark the desire.
And let me stretch my arms out
To hold the fire.
I keep my love and keep my passion
Within my heart,till the core,
You can make it out..
That's about I am sure.
May this night will
Never reach the end..
And let me live my life..
With you ; within this moment..

Pages from my diary 2000

Ashapakhi..


Dirghodin por,
Ononto niler 'por
ek rash sopno niye ankhi
khunje choleche Ashapakhi.
Kono ek din hoyto ankhi
heemshitol shroter majhe
peye chilo Ashapakhi.
Kotok ushno kotok neel sopno
diyechilo Ashapakhi
heem shitol shroter majhe;
ek rash kalo sopner majhe
klanto ek ankhi ke.
Onontokal periye porishranto ankhi
khujechilo tar shusko polok
chole gechilo ankhi...
par kore noirassho lok.
aaj abar dirgho din por
Ononto neel er 'por
ek rash sopno niye ankhi
khunje choleche Ashapakhi.
Kintu koi...
koi se Ashapakhi?
Oi to Ashapakhi,
sunnyo dristhi mele cheye ache,
kalo akash pane
pran heen deho niye stobdho Ashapakhi
noirasshor otol gohon e......

Nishobdo Dupur -
theme geche somoy
nirjone abiram chestharoto ami.
Jora lagacchi pataguli
-Majhe Majhe domka batash
Uriye nicche
Kichutei parchi na-
Ogochalo jiboner dingulo
- thik pata gulir motoi
ure jacche - jeno ;
Osonlogno proti muhurto
Janakar fank diye ure jacche.
Hothat ekta pata theme gelo,
Koi urche na keno?
Theme jawa somoy
Theme jawa pata -
sobetei tomar uposthiti
- Tai to tara stobdho
tara sthobir...

Time Machine

Im at home right now...its so good to be at home. I feel different, i feel special and i feel relaxed being at home,i know my own people are around me so i feel comfortable and cosy. Its so good when I am called to have food...as I stay alone so no one cares if I have food or not but at home its not so...Its good to go out in the evening and have those spicy,tangy golgappas with my younger brother - freaking out and laughing without any reason...I cherish all these things, I love teasing my brother and trust me he doesnt mind. I was going through some old album yesterday...it seems that those days belong to my past life..so blur they are. But I still feel the happiness, the joy, the innocence of those days...why time move away and take away the happiness?? Now i realize...its not even a decade or even 10 years but many things have changes so drastically - people change, their emotion, their behaviour everything change over time... But somehow i feel i am standing almost at the same place where i was a decade ago.... I feel I am growing old...and old people are moving out...new people are coming in. But is building that strong and same bond with new people is not that easy...I still feel to go back to those beautiful moments.... Do i need a time machine??

New Year

Finally another series of months in a new way...the same 12 months with some new resolutions...

But this year has started with a strange note...when everything is so uncertain.nothing to feel happy about.Be it family,be it my own stability or anything - i find everything in dark hole.dont know where the hole leads me to.So much of pain,doubt,confusion - dont know what to do.

Have realized one thing,there may be lots of philosophical articles to inspire but the reality is far away.Yes of we are the one shaping our lives but none can do anything without the permission of destiny.Since childhood i have been reading and hearing that good things happen with good people - all those happy ending stories but in my life i have seen and experienced just the opposite. Yesterday i have completed one book called "Fish" - no i am not at all inspired by it. I now feel all the books are meant to be the inspiration but they are away from the real life. In real life things wont fall so smoothly on our path even if we are right,doing good things and being good at heart. Hope..its a big thing - all spiritual Gurus teach us to be hopeful and see the things in a very positive way even of when everything is going wrong. But i feel why to do so?yes its good to be positive and happy but what about those who are deprived? They are taught to console themselves and wait for happiness ,a never ending wait.

I am now tired of being hopeful.I kind of become indifferent towards life. Never got any reward for being honest,good and hard working..so why being so??

I am not saying that I wont be honest but..may be I dont give a damn kind of attitude will born inside me...and many people who think alike.

So the moral of the story is..we are nothing without our destiny - being honest,truthful,hardworking wont pay unless and untill the Kismat is Meherban.

And yah I have stopped taking any new year resolution. When life is so uncertain - everything else is uncertain...whats the use of any resolution??