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tara sthobir...

Time Machine

Im at home right now...its so good to be at home. I feel different, i feel special and i feel relaxed being at home,i know my own people are around me so i feel comfortable and cosy. Its so good when I am called to have food...as I stay alone so no one cares if I have food or not but at home its not so...Its good to go out in the evening and have those spicy,tangy golgappas with my younger brother - freaking out and laughing without any reason...I cherish all these things, I love teasing my brother and trust me he doesnt mind. I was going through some old album yesterday...it seems that those days belong to my past life..so blur they are. But I still feel the happiness, the joy, the innocence of those days...why time move away and take away the happiness?? Now i realize...its not even a decade or even 10 years but many things have changes so drastically - people change, their emotion, their behaviour everything change over time... But somehow i feel i am standing almost at the same place where i was a decade ago.... I feel I am growing old...and old people are moving out...new people are coming in. But is building that strong and same bond with new people is not that easy...I still feel to go back to those beautiful moments.... Do i need a time machine??

New Year

Finally another series of months in a new way...the same 12 months with some new resolutions...

But this year has started with a strange note...when everything is so uncertain.nothing to feel happy about.Be it family,be it my own stability or anything - i find everything in dark hole.dont know where the hole leads me to.So much of pain,doubt,confusion - dont know what to do.

Have realized one thing,there may be lots of philosophical articles to inspire but the reality is far away.Yes of we are the one shaping our lives but none can do anything without the permission of destiny.Since childhood i have been reading and hearing that good things happen with good people - all those happy ending stories but in my life i have seen and experienced just the opposite. Yesterday i have completed one book called "Fish" - no i am not at all inspired by it. I now feel all the books are meant to be the inspiration but they are away from the real life. In real life things wont fall so smoothly on our path even if we are right,doing good things and being good at heart. Hope..its a big thing - all spiritual Gurus teach us to be hopeful and see the things in a very positive way even of when everything is going wrong. But i feel why to do so?yes its good to be positive and happy but what about those who are deprived? They are taught to console themselves and wait for happiness ,a never ending wait.

I am now tired of being hopeful.I kind of become indifferent towards life. Never got any reward for being honest,good and hard working..so why being so??

I am not saying that I wont be honest but..may be I dont give a damn kind of attitude will born inside me...and many people who think alike.

So the moral of the story is..we are nothing without our destiny - being honest,truthful,hardworking wont pay unless and untill the Kismat is Meherban.

And yah I have stopped taking any new year resolution. When life is so uncertain - everything else is uncertain...whats the use of any resolution??

Random thoughts

Another weekend,the lazy one.i usually love this kind of weekend where i have lots of time for myself.The whole day i have thinking of so many things.

Usually i get nostalgic during weekend or you can say whenever i get time for myself.Strange but true with time everything keeps on changing.Today i was missing someone who occupies quite a lot space in my life - not to name the person as he selected to move on....but i cant stop missing him.He was someone whose very presence,very thought used to make me happy,chirpy and colourful,Today also when i think i think how could i have so much of energy- i could go any place any time just to see him, could talk non stop for hours.Now i dont even feel like talking or even going to any place.How come one person makes so much difference in life?

Or it is just our set of mind which makes us think so?

I dont know. I still feel happy even when i think of him.Where as he may not think of me even for a while,i dont have anything against that.

Today i was feeling very strongly to go back to the time when we were together, walking on the road happily,fighting,giggling,making fun or even teasing each other.I miss those days when we used to sit on the stairs and looked at the moon for long without saying even a word.I still can see the moon but alone.Does he see the moon too and think of the same as I do? Does the moon feel what i feel or can the moon convey my message to him that i do really miss him? I still love standing when its raining,always wanted to share the rain drops with him...

Does miracle happens in life???I dont think so...

Silly me and my thoughts

the virgin night calls me
to hug the shrere breeze
to whisper with the silence
to dance with the crazy moon shedding her pride
and i know.....
the blurr splits away
challenging my senses....
and i am left spechless.....
yet to tour into the you in me....
and the truth....away from me...and within me..

Lazy Sunday

A nice,warm and sunny Sunday. I swear every Sunday has something special,when I get up i feel good - its only Sunday morning that i really feel good. It seems as if I am walking on the dew drops,I am as light as a feather.Music,Books,TV - thats all I love to do. I wanna fly free - thats what i am. I never like my mornings to start in a rush or dominated by a 2nd person!!I want my imagination to spread its wings and paint something colourful in a blank canvas.

Every Sunday reminds me of my school days - those were the time when Sunday actually used to be so exciting so meaningful.

Lots of childhood memories with Sundays - want to cherish them through out my life.

Missing Mom, Missing home and the home made food and the leisure. Planning to go back home, For me its relations, emotions and family which matter rather than struggling for an unknown destination.

Random thoughts

So many thoughts popping out here and there in my mind,in my soul. but whenever i try to pen them down they run away,don't know why.its been long that i have been thinking to note down those vagabond thoughts but alas!!!

these days a very strange thought is disturbing me.so many questions & no one to answer them, not even myself can answer them. Its been 8 years that i have been staying away from my home, my parents, my younger brother - earlier I wanted to achieve my goals being a very ambitious girl since my childhood. now i feel i am not very clear about my goals, during childhood it used to look like fairy tale and now i understand that life is not like those dreamy tales. At least not for me.I don't know what i am doing and i am not happy with what i am doing, my creativity, those colours, those dreams are missing somewhere, I too have started acting like a machine. I know most of us are acting the same way but this is not me. Every morning when i get up, i don't feel the excitement to see a new day, I feel its the same monotonous long day. I believe we need to have some madness and passion to enjoy our lives but where they are in my life?every day i end up cursing something or other....though I am blessed with wonderful family, most loving,caring parents,brother and few good friends. I have shelter and can feed myself everyday still I complain so much. I feel beyond these basic need, some very fine emotional needs are yet to be fulfilled - now i don't even dare dreaming as I know the nude reality which is not as rosy as i used to visualize. Should I follow my mind and be mechanical to be in the race or listen to my heart, without any material expectation which may lead me to a direction that people may name 'failure' or 'escapism' don't know.....right now i am very confused!!!

where is the answer??